Sognatore
by Jeffrey Dahmer
Summary: #3. All Crowpaw wanted was to be different. He got his wish. Dedicated to Poke.
1. Because Insanity Rhymes

_Because Insanity Rhymes…_

What had I done to deserve this pain?  
This suffering is enough to make me go insane!  
I had always been loyal and the best I could be,  
But somehow, it was something you just couldn't see.

I get it, I do. Maybe I'm just not 'The One.'  
But how is he better? He's Tigerstar's son!  
Yes, he may be big and he may be strong,  
But Squirrelflight, can't you see? Your decision was wrong!

I'm perfect for you, so why can't you see that?  
I'm so much better for you than that traitorous rat!  
"_No, no, of course, I won't hold a grudge_!"  
See, that's your first mistake, darling. You should be a better judge.

Did you really think that after everything, we would still be friends?  
HAHAHAHA! No, no, Squirrelflight, my darling… tonight it _ends_.  
I am done playing games and I am no longer your toy!  
Tonight, will be the first time I feel real joy.

"_Why are you doing this, Ashfur?_" you're asking me.  
Well, beautiful, it's time that you finally see.  
See the agony I've gone through and the pain that you've made!  
This is the price that has to be paid.

It wasn't just being left behind that made me this way,  
It was the pain I faced after; day after day!  
Didn't you ever consider not to rub it in so much?  
But even just brushing past you; you'd cringe at my touch.

And then the kits were born, how beautiful they were!  
They'd jump, laugh, and play… they'd purr and they'd purr!  
But did you ever stop to think, what if one of them was pale gray?  
And with darker flecks on his back… wouldn't you like it that way?!

One would be Brindlekit, after my mother.  
She'd be bright ginger, unlike her gray brother.  
StarClan's never seen kits as perfect as ours!  
But… they'll never be born. They're just wishes on stars.

I'd have been happy with one kit, two kits, or even three!  
Just as long as you were there raising them next to me.  
But… Squirrelflight, you're not. You left me for him…  
And that's why I'm going to rip your kits apart, limb from limb.

…What do you mean, they're not yours, Squirrelflight?  
You're lying! You're just telling me this, out of… out of spite!  
Oh StarClan, please tell me this isn't a joke?  
Finally, this disgusting family will go up in smoke!

I'll tell them all, I swear on my life that I will!  
Tomorrow, at the Gathering! It'll be such a thrill!  
Tomorrow, it'll be you who will be left in the dirt,  
you'll be crying, screaming… and trust me, you'll _hurt_.

So go now, get out! Get out of my sight!  
And you might want to enjoy the peace while it lasts, Squirrelflight.  
You should probably start getting prepared,  
Tomorrow's the day you'll wish I still cared.

I go to my nest, knowing I won't sleep at all.  
All night I kept thinking, it'll soon be Squirrelflight's downfall.  
But… is this what I want? Is it really what I need?  
Did I ever even want to make my one love _bleed_?

I know what it's like, to be torn to a shred,  
To be stomped on and broken; to be left for the dead.  
I get out of my nest, no longer elated.  
Do I really need to make that family so hated?

What am I saying? Of course I do!  
But I can't help but think, "_Would Squirrelflight do that to you_?"  
Yes, she hurt me and yes, I want to make her pay.  
But would I feel any better by doing it this way?

"_She didn't mean to hurt you_," Again, there goes that tiny voice.  
I reply to myself, "But leaving me was her choice."  
And suddenly hits me. I stop dead in my tracks.  
Making her hurt, wouldn't fix me; it wouldn't fill in the cracks!

There's an angry voice in my head! It's yelling at me!  
"_You're backing down now? Her pain will set you FREE_!"  
I stumble to the ground, clutching my head.  
These voices, this anger… I'd rather be _dead_!

I can't take this much longer; it's ripping me apart!  
Squirrelflight, oh Squirrelflight, why did you play with my heart?  
I loved you so much, but you went and betrayed me!  
Why? WHY? I don't understand! I don't see!

"_Destroy her! Make her feel your pain!"_  
"No! Leave me alone! You have nothing to gain!"  
I can't do this anymore. It hurts so bad!  
Squirrelflight… you've turned me completely mad…

Why do I love you?  
Why can't you love me too?  
But the biggest question is one no one thought to ask…  
Wasn't there a moment… when you saw through my mask?

Did you ever look at me and just see my pain?  
And thought, "_Hm, maybe Ashfur's feelings didn't wash away with the rain_."  
No… no you didn't. I already knew that…  
Because you… you're just a heartless she-cat.

But yet, I won't tell your secret… I'll keep it with me.  
Maybe now you'll notice… you'll finally see,  
That I've always put your intentions first.  
Maybe it's love… maybe it's insanity… maybe I'm cursed.

But one thing's for sure… I want this pain to go away.  
I want it to leave! And away it will stay!  
And that's why I don't move when I see Hollyleaf coming,  
Not even when towards me, she starts running.

Run faster! Hurry up! Rake your claws down my chest!  
Rip out my heart! Give me your best!  
IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO? JUST KILL ME THIS INSTANT!  
BE STRONG, BE A FIGHTER… DON'T LOOK IN MY EYES! BE DISTANT!

Kill me, kill me, _kill_ _me_! Please just end my misery…  
Take my life… take it from me…  
I'm begging you, Hollyleaf. Please.  
No, don't hesitate… please don't tease.

Yes, yes, rip out my throat!  
Push me into the river! Make me _float_!  
Finally, you're here to take away my pain!  
This torture… this agony… I want to be slain!

I splash in the water, feeling my life leaving…  
And along with it leaves this suffering; this grieving.  
My mind is going numb but maybe that's for the best.  
Because I can't do this anymore; I just want to _rest_.

The place where she clawed still stings a little,  
But nowhere near as much as my heart… It's grown brittle.  
I just… I can't do this anymore. This pain, these voices, this constant narration.  
The urge to cause pain; all the temptation!

I can feel the insanity drain from my body,  
And finally, _finally_, I am** FREE**!

No more pain, agony, suffering.  
I'm done, it's over. I'm going to StarClan.  
I'm no longer crazy, I'm just Ashfur.  
A normal, painless, _happy_ warrior.

Thank you, Hollyleaf, I'll forever be in your debt.  
Tell Squirrelflight I forgive her… and that I'm sorry.  
I'll watch you from StarClan, I promise you that.  
And I promise, that I will never hurt you again.

…_And Death is the Only Cure._


	2. There's Always Somewhere

**Dedicated to Juliet's Shadow**

_You told me this is right where it begins.  
But your lips hang heavy underneath me.  
And I promised myself I wouldn't let you complete me._

_-Halsey, Is There Somewhere?_

**[1]**

Snowkit was speechless.

From the tip of her nose to the end of her tail was soaked in muddy water. Her once pretty white fur was covered in an ugly brown and all she could do was stare at the culprit who had pushed her in: Thistlekit.

Finally, she got her voice back and snapped at him. "Why would you do that?" she shrieked.

Thistlekit could only laugh, his shoulder shaking in amusement as he watched the fluffy kit pull herself out of the puddle. "It was funny!"

"It was rude, that's what it was!" Snowkit huffed. "I can't believe you would do something like that! I thought we were friends."

Thistlekit's ears drooped slightly. "We _are _friends. I just saw my opportunity so I took it."

"At my expense," Snowkit muttered under her breath. The she-kit was so angry that all she could do was turn away from the tom and storm off. She was so angry that she couldn't even pay attention to Thistlekit yelling apologies after her.

"Snowkit, I didn't mean to make you angry, I just thought it'd be funny and I didn't think you'd take it so personally!" he called and Snowkit whipped around to shoot the tom a harsh glare.

"You pushed me into a muddy puddle; how did you _not _think I would be mad? It's humiliating and now I have to spend the rest of my day cleaning my pelt," she hissed and stormed away for the final time, leaving Thistlekit with a frown on his face.

He honestly didn't mean to upset her. He was just trying to have fun, not ruing her day. Now she probably hated him and would never forgive him! Thistlekit slumped down with a hopeless look on his face. Finally, Poppydawn noticed how sad he looked and asked what was wrong.

"Snowkit hates me," he grumbled looking down. "I pushed her into a puddle but she didn't think it was as funny as I did."

"Thistlekit, sometimes someone might not find something as funny as you but that doesn't mean they hate you," Poppydawn soothed her son gently. "Now all you can do is try to earn Snowkit's trust back and proving to her how sorry you are."

"How do I do that?" he wailed. The ginger she-cat purred in amusement and affectionately nuzzled her son. The stubborn tom tried pulling himself away as Poppydawn covered his face in licks. "Cut it out!"

"Thistlekit, did I ever tell you about how Windflight and I became mates?" she purred and the kit scowled.

"Does it matter?" Poppydawn playfully cuffed him over the ear and went on with her story anyway.

"Windflight's parents made a mistake and broke one of the warrior codes, and for that, Windflight had to pay the price. He always had to work the hardest to prove himself, he was ridiculed be nearly everyone, and it even got to a point where the leader, Oakstar, even delayed his warrior ceremony," Poppydawn explained and Thistlekit's eyes widened.

"What?" he breathed in shock. His father was the biggest, toughest, _bestest _warrior in all the Clans! And here Poppydawn was, telling him that there was a time when everyone hated him.

"One day, when Windflight was still an apprentice though he should have been a warrior, a fox attacked. It killed great cats like Pinestar's mother, took one of Oakstar's lives, and even two kits. I was injured and trying to help one of the elders to safety when it attacked me. Windpaw jumped out of no where and fought the fox off, all by himself. He drove the thing right out of camp."

"Whoa!" Thistlekit squeaked, leaping to his feet and bouncing around. "My Dad's a hero!"

"I'm not done yet," Poppydawn chuckled, making her son plop down again. "I'm not going to lie; I was one of the cats who didn't accept your father. I was cruel to him and I did things I'll forever regret. But in that moment, I realized that Windpaw was just a regular cat who was punished for something he didn't do. I apologized and even argued with Oakstar until he gave him his warrior name."

"So you're saying that I should make Pinestar make Snowkit a warrior?" he repeated and Poppydawn snorted with a head shake.

"No, what I'm saying is that you should express how much Snowkit means to you and make sure she knows you don't want to lose her. I proved it to Windflight by fighting for his warrior name, now you have to prove it to Snowkit by doing something special for her. Something that is meaningful," Poppydawn explained. Thistlekit slowly nodded, finally starting to realize what his mother was saying.

"Meaningful..." he repeated, his mind racing. What was something that Snowkit liked? He knew she liked pouncing on beetles and pretending they were rogues. She liked watching the warriors come in from patrols and getting every bit of juicy gossip out of them as she could. And he knew that her favorite thing to eat was a shrew because they were small enough that she could eat it without having to share half with Moonflower.

That's it! Thistlekit would catch her a shrew! Just bringing her a shrew wouldn't be special enough but if he were to actually go out into the forest and catch a shrew all by himself, she'll see how he risked his life and she would instantly forgive him! It was perfect!

So when Poppydawn wasn't looking, the little kit ducked into the nursery. The plan was simple enough; stay in the nursery long enough to make Poppydawn think he was sleeping and then when no one was watching, run out of camp. There were multiple ways to get out of camp and the easiest was by going behind the nursery. Thistlekit would have enough time to catch a shrew and bring it cack to camp before anyone noticed!

Thistlekit curled up into his nest and closed his eyes, pretending to snore softly. It couldn't have been more than a minute when he heard Poppydawn pad in, make an 'Aww' noise as if she'd never seen her own kit sleep before, and then walk back out so she didn't disturb him. It was exactly the moment Thistlekit had been waiting for and not a heartbeat later, he was on his paws and racing around to the back of the nursery.

Sure, Thistlekit had seen the forest before. He looked out to the forest all the time! But that was nothing compared to actually _being_ in it.

With every step he took, Thistlekit sank slightly into the soft soil and leaves. The ground in camp was so walked on and overused that it was hard and stiff, but in the forest, he may as well have been walking on the clouds. And another thing was the sheer size of it; everything was so big! The trees, the bushes, even the squirrels looked so much bigger than the limp one patrols bring back to camp!

Thistlekit opened his mouth and he was instantly hit with waves of scents, all layered on top of each other. Trees, squirrels, mice, birds, grass and... shrew?

As an untrained kit, Thistlekit didn't exactly know how to focus in on a certain smell. All he knew was that there was a shrew somewhere in the mix and he was going to catch it.

Thistlekit took a few light steps forward before getting into a hunters crouch. Once again, he didn't know how to do a proper hunter crouch, other than from the few times Windflight gave him lessons. But even then, they were brief and ended with a, "You'll learn this all as an apprentice, Thistlekit."

Out of the corner of his eye, Thistlekit could see something moving. Jumping around to face it, he didn't even take the time to figure out what it was before slamming his paw into it. Truth be told, the rodent was already badly injured when he swiped at it. All he managed to do was slam it into a tree. The rodent fell to the ground, twitching slightly when Thistlekit came to the realization that it was a mouse not a shrew.

'_Snowkit will never take me seriously if I bring back some stupid mouse!' _he thought bitterly.

Thistlekit didn't even bother to end the poor thing's miserable life before he got back into his hunters crouch. This time, hunting wasn't so easy. It was complete luck that he had stumbled across the exact same mouse Robinwing had attempted and failed at catching earlier. She had broken its lower back and made it bleed. It basically crawled right into Thistlekit's paws.

But today was his lucky (or unlucky, depending on how you look at it) day because a few moments later, he was pouncing on something moving in the grass. Once again, he battered around the piece of prey until it was good and bloody and extremely dead. But... it was a vole, not a shrew.

"Great StarClan, are there any shrews in this stupid forest?" Thistlekit screeched. He kicked the vole away with his paws and got back into his hunters crouch.

The fact that Thistlekit managed to catch anything at all was quite remarkable. But the fact that he _continued_ to catch prey was downright astounding.

So later when Adderfang, Fuzzypelt, and Tawnyspots finally found him after discovering he went missing, all they could do was stare in shock at the small kit. He was shaking in rage, covered in blood, and voles, birds, and mice were scattered around him. There were at least five baby mice, a vole, a nest of robins that he had knocked out of a tree, and a mouse that wasn't even dead, it was just lying there and twitching.

"Did you catch all this?" Fuzzypelt asked in shock, looking around. He forgot that his mission was to bring the kit back to camp and he could only stand there in awe.

"Yeah," Thistlekit grumbled. "But no shrews!"

"Thistlekit," Adderfang started but he didn't know what to say. To be quite honest, all he could do was wonder how in StarClan's name the kit managed to do all this.

"We've been looking all over for you!" Tawnyspots scolded. "C'mon, let's head back to camp."

"No!" Thistlekit snapped. "Snowkit hates me and I have to catch a shrew to show her that I'm sorry! That's what Poppydawn told me to do..." The three cats looked at him in disbelief and his eyes went to the ground. "Okay, she _implied _it." They continued to stare. "Fine! I came up with the idea on my own! Are you happy?"

"No," Adderfang meowed blandly. "You snuck out of camp without telling anyone and if we bring you back, covered in blood, your mother is going to have a fit. Pinestar sent the whole Clan out looking for you!" Thistlekit merely shrugged. "Why is Snowkit angry at you anyway?"

"I pushed her in a puddle," the kit mewed sheepishly. The three toms looked at each other before simultaneously sitting down to give Thistlekit a well needed talk.

"And I'm guessing your mother wanted you to do something romantic and 'prove how sorry you are' or something?" Tawnyspots guessed. Thistlekit nodded and the tom rolled his eyes, muttering something under his breath. The kit barely heard him say, "_She-cats_."

"Listen Thistlekit," Fuzzypelt started. "In a perfect world, you would come out here, catch a shrew, win the she-cat over and live happily ever after. But see, that's an _unrealistic_ world. You can't solve every fight by risking your life for a she-cat; that's just foolish."

Thistlekit frowned but the words actually made sense. Being a hero for Snowkit would definitely win her over but there was a difference between being a hero and looking for trouble. Windflight hadn't been looking for trouble when he saved Poppydawn, he just did because that was his duty to his Clan. "So then how do I make Snowkit forgive me?"

"Did you try apologizing?" Adderfang asked and Thistlekit stared blankly at the warrior. Adderfang snorted. "You thought of paralyzing a mouse and killing four baby birds before saying 'sorry?'"

"Is that honestly all I have to say?" Thistlekit asked and the three toms nodded. _'Well then that was a huge waste of time..._'

"Whenever Robinwing's mad at me, sometimes telling her I love her helps," Fuzzypelt offered. "I mean, you're far too young for love but that's just a tip for the future."

"Now how about we bring all this prey back to camp and then you can apologize to Snowkit?" Tawnyspots asked and the small kit nodded. The three warriors and the kits started to collect the prey, Tawnyspots finally putting that poor mouse out of its misery, and padded back to camp.

The second Thistlekit stepped into the camp, he was immediately swarmed by a group of cats. It was all so busy that he could only make out a few cats -Poppydawn, Windflight, Rosekit, and Sweetkit. They were all fretting over the small tom but all he really wanted to do was collapse on a pile of moss and sleep until he was an elder.

"Where have you been?"

"Pinestar had to send out patrols?"

"What was the forest like?"

"WHY IS HE COVERED IN BLOOD?!"

"Wait, why do you have prey? Did you go _hunting _while looking for my son?"

"He caught it himself," Adderfang answered the one question, his head spinning as he dropped the vole on the food pile. Thistlekit dropped the baby robin, spitting out a feather as he did. The ThunderClan cats all turned to gape at him but he was too tired and annoyed to deal with all this. He just wanted to go say sorry to Snowkit and then sleep.

The kit padded away, not even bothering to utter a single word.

He found Snowkit in the nursery and thankfully, she was alone. Bluekit was off doing whatever she did and his sisters were outside. "Snowkit?" he called. The white kit glanced at him and looked away, fighting to question him about all the blood. She was trying her best to prove that she didn't care about the tom.

"What do _you _want?" she sneered.

"I'm sorry for pushing you into a puddle," Thistlekit mewed but the white kit didn't even bat and eyes. "Do you forgive me?"

"No."

_'Oh... I was kind of expecting that to work_...' Thistlekit thought to himself. Now he needed a new plan. "Uh, I caught a lot of prey when I snuck out of camp?"

"Good job." Her tone was monotone and uninterested.

_'Now what_?' Thistlekit asked himself. _'Wait, what did Fuzzypelt say to do... Oh right!_'

"I love you." Snowkit whipped around, her blue eyes wide as she stared at the kit who was looking expectantly at her. Finally, she burst into giggles. Thistlekit joined in. "That's what Fuzzypelt told me to say so you'd forgive me."

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard," Snowkit laughed. "You're silly Thistlekit."

"So you forgive me?" Thistlekit asked hopefully.

Snowkit sighed dramatically, looking at the roof of the nursery like she was contemplating life. "I _suppose_..."

Thistlekit broke out into a grin, playfully bowling his friend over. He didn't stop to think twice that one day, he'd be saying it with meaning and more than a way to get someone to forgive him. All he knew was that Snowkit wasn't mad at him anymore and he didn't have to worry about catching any more stupid shrews.

**[2]**

"For StarClan's sake, I understand!" Thistlepaw snapped, rolling his eyes for the countless time. Poppydawn frowned at her son, shaking her head disapprovingly at his annoyed voice.

"That's no way to talk to you mother," Windflight snarled at Thistlepaw. "You better start treating her with respect or else I'll make sure Adderfang keeps you cleaning the elder's den for the next moon. Now apologize."

Once again, the parents were met with an eye roll. "Whatever," he sighed and stomped away, clearly done with their conversation.

Windflight and Poppydawn watched as the tom disappeared into the forest. After he was gone, they turned to each other with wide eyes. "What happened to our kit?" Poppydawn squeaked.

Windflight let out a low sigh, his eyes darkening as he did so. "I guess he's just growing up. You know he couldn't stay a kit forever."

"I know," she mewed. "I just thought he would be more… respectful. Do you think he'll grow out of it?"

The tom nodded. "I'm sure he will, Poppydawn." That's what Windflight said at least. Really, he knew Thistlepaw would never grow out of it. But then again, maybe StarClan was in the mood for giving out miracles.

In the forest, Thistlepaw stomped overs dead leaves, twigs, and pretty much anything that could make noise. If he was doing it by accident then maybe it wouldn't be so bad but the tom was purposely leaping from twig to leaf, trying to cause a racket.

It wasn't that he and his parents had a huge fight or anything, they had simply lectured him about making sure the elders ate first and it really tugged at his tail. He had been in a sour mood for most of the day for reasons he didn't even know and his parents were the final straw.

So here he was, crushing the entire forest under his angry paws in the hope that someone would get frustrated and they could argue. Thistlepaw just needed to blow off steam and the only was he knew how to do that was by fighting.

But like many times before, Thistlepaw should have thought his plan through, because not a heartbeat after jumping on a pile of dried twigs, he got his wish.

Snowpaw's head shot up with an annoyed look plastered on her face. Her blue eyes were dark and cloudy and her mouth was turned down in a scowl. "Are you _trying_ to mess me up? You just scared away that shrew I was trying to catch."

"Whoops," Thistlepaw said sarcastically. Snowpaw's eyes darkened even more and her claws sheathed and unsheathed themselves. "My bad."

"Ugh! The least I could get is an apology! You're so immature, Thistlepaw!" she snapped. "Honestly, grow up."

That pricked Thistlepaw's nerves. He was already frustrated enough as it was and her snide comment wasn't helping. "You're two moons older than me so don't think you're all high and mighty! You're the most immature _kit_ I know."

Snowpaw's eyes narrowed and she bared her teeth. "What is wrong with you? You're so rude!"

'_What is wrong with me_?' Thistlepaw thought silently. But he still had the urge to fight racing through his veins. It was something he constantly felt but with the recent spat between him and his parents, it was stronger than ever. "Maybe my problem has to do with you."

Snowpaw flinched back as if he had struck her and the tom instantly felt guilty. He hadn't made her upset since the whole 'puddle-shrew-I love you' incident when they were kits. He could only watch as the pretty she-cat turned and fled, running into the bushes.

Thistlepaw stood there for a few heartbeat's after she left, going over what had just happened. He wasn't the type of cat to feel bad about many things but this was one of those things that truly made him feel horrible about himself.

"I messed up," he finally mewed under his breath. He smacked a nearby rock, slamming it into a tree with a snarl. "Why did I say that?"

A part of him knew it was just the stress of being an apprentice mixed with his parents getting on his last nerve but he truly wished he hadn't taken it out on Snowpaw. She hadn't done anything wrong. Maybe if he had ruined _Bluepaw's_ hunting trip it would be a different story.

This was just like the 'I love you' thing when they were kits! Only Thistlepaw seriously doubted he would get the same reaction if he told her he loved her now. Snowpaw would probably just be more freaked out than anything.

But Thistlepaw knew exactly who to talk to.

Definitely not his mother or Thistlepaw knew he'd end up doing some ridiculous task like fighting a lion or something. But Adderfang, Tawnyspots, and Fuzzypelt – or the Trio as some of the she-cats had begun calling them - had been fairly helpful the last time so he figured they'd be up to give out some advice this time around as well.

Turning around, Thistlepaw started back towards camp, completely forgetting about his anger towards his parents and adopting a new rage directed at himself.

He hadn't gone far out of camp when he ruined Snowpaw's hunting trip so it didn't take him long to get back. When he stepped into camp, he saw the Trio sitting in a circle, chatting to each other. Thrushpelt was a little off to the side, gazing longingly at the three, probably hoping that he was worthy to approach them.

Well that's how Thistlepaw saw it at least. In reality, Thrushpelt glanced over at the Trio before going back to whatever he was doing before.

When Adderfang saw his apprentice, he broke into a grin. "If it isn't our favorite little thorn-in-our-side. You look frustrated."

"So does your father," Tawnyspots commented. "You two have a spat?"

Thistlepaw looked at the tom in confusion for a second, completely forgetting that Windflight was the whole reason he was angry in the first place. "Yeah, I don't care about that anymore. He'll get over it."

The three toms looked mildly annoyed at Thistlepaw's attitude but nobody commented, other than Adderfang who grumbled about what he would do to his kits if they talked to him like that.

"What's your problem then?" Fuzzypelt asked, moving the conversation along. Thistlepaw explained as the warriors remained silent. When he was done, they were all shaking their heads with amused grins on their faces. "You really have a knack for annoying that she-cat, don't you?"

Thistlepaw shrugged easily. "It's a gift."

Adderfang scoffed but didn't say anything.

"I know how to solve this!" Tawnyspots announced and Thistlepaw's face broke into a grin. Everyone leaned in, curious to hear Tawnyspot's solution, as if it were the equivalent to a Black cough cure. "You need to…. Sneak away from camp and kill a bunch of prey, trying to find a shrew."

Thistlepaw scowled as Adderfang and Fuzzypelt broke into laughter, the former playfully cuffing Tawnyspots over the ear. "You mousebrain! The poor kid just needs help with his female problems!"

"Maybe I _should_ try telling her I love her again. That seemed to work wonders the first time," Thistlepaw grumbled under his breath. Before he could even comprehend what was going on, the Trio had him pinned to the ground, all shouting at him at once.

"_NO_!"

Everyone in camp turned to watch the scene but the Trio didn't care; all they cared about was making sure Thistlepaw didn't make a grave mistake.

"ARE YOU COMPLETELY MOUSEBRAINED?"

"HONESTLY THISTLEPAW, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?"

"DON'T EVEN JOKE LIKE THAT!"

All Thistlepaw could do was lay helplessly as the three toms towered over him. He had absolutely no idea what was going on but was honestly a little scared to ask. "Uh, erm, could you get off me?"

The Trio shared a look before reluctantly backing off. Thistlepaw shot to his feet, taking a few steps away from the group so he'd be prepared to make a run for it if the toms decided to _lose their minds _again.

"Thistlepaw, Thistlepaw, Thistlepaw, what are we going to do with you?" Tawnyspots sighed, shaking his head with every word.

"Tell me what in StarClan's name just happened?" he offered, a little too sassily for anyone's liking. "What's so wrong with telling her I love her? I mean, I don't mean it so it should be fine!"

"Thistlepaw, it's about time you learn that females are complicated and mysterious creatures. You have to learn the proper way of dealing with them or you could be stuck in a lifetime of agony filled with complaints, crying, and being woken up in the middle of the night because your mate is hungry but she doesn't want to go get a mouse herself so you have to get up to get it and by the time you get back, she isn't hungry anymore."

Everyone shot Adderfang a weird look after his little rant. Only Fuzzypelt seemed to know what he was talking about. "Trouble in paradise?" Tawnyspots asked nervously, backing away slightly as if his friend would explode in a fit.

"Great StarClan, Adderfang that was a year ago. _Let it go_," Fuzzypelt drawled out. Adderfang's eyes only narrowed as he grumbled to himself. Thistlepaw didn't say anything else – he didn't know _what_ to say to that.

"Anyway," Tawnyspots brought the attention back to Thistlepaw's little 'Snowpaw' problem. "Telling Snowpaw you loved her when you were kits was cute but now, she's not going to take it like a joke. If you tell her you love her, she's going to develop a horrible, incurable disease."

Thistlepaw's eyes widened as he stepped back. When Adderfang sneered the word, he cringed even more.

"It's a disease called _Feelings_."

Fuzzypelt was barely managing to stifle his laughter as Adderfang and Tawnyspots continued to egg him on, telling Thistlepaw of all the horrible symptoms of Feelings.

"She'll start following you around, getting jealous when you talk to other she-cats, when you go out, she'll always complain that you never spend enough time with her," Adderfang explained, his voice raising in volume with every 'symptom.' "And worst of all, she'll ask you to get you prey in the middle of-"

Fuzzypelt cut Adderfang off with a hard whack to the back of his head.

"Wait, are you being serious? Is this an actual disease?" Thistlepaw fretted and the toms just kind of stared at him for a moment, trying to judge whether he was serious or not.

"Yes," Tawnyspots answered seriously. Thistlepaw's face morphed into one of utter horror.

Under his breath, Adderfang muttered, "Great StarClan, my apprentice is an idiot." Thankfully, Thistlepaw hadn't heard.

Fuzzypelt cleared his throat. "Listen, just go talk to her, explain why you were mad and tell her that you're sorry. Bring her a robin or something as a peace offering."

"But don't tell her you love her," Tawnyspots warned and the apprentice nodded his head furiously before bouncing off to go find Snowpaw. After a moment of silence, Tawnyspots turned to his friends. "Why does he always come to us for advice?"

"StarClan knows," Adderfang answered with a shrug. "Someone needs to educate that tom."

The Trio all hummed in agreement before going back to their previous conversation about hunting techniques.

In the forest, Thistlepaw found Snowpaw huddled up under a tree, looking extremely upset. He was immediately hit with remorse when he saw her. When Snowpaw saw him, though, her eyes immediately glazed over in anger. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"I came to apologize," he admitted, dropping a shrew at her paws. "And give you this."

Snowpaw managed to crack a smile, remembering the whole shrew thing from their kithood. But she had to stay strong – she couldn't let Thistlepaw push her around like that whenever he was in a bad mood. "Why should I forgive you?"

"Because I'm so sorry and I promise I'll never snap at you like that again! My parents were annoying me and I took it out on you. And you know how hard it is for me to say things like that so this is a big deal," Thistlepaw rushed. It took the she-cat a moment to register what he was saying.

Finally, she sighed. "I wish I was able to stay mad at you longer," she muttered. "I'm going to have to work on that."

Thsitlepaw broke into a grin. "Wait so you're forgiving me?"

"I suppose," Snowpaw sighed. "I shouldn't but I am."

'_Wow, the Trio's advice really works_,' Thistlepaw couldn't help but think. '_I need to talk to them more often_.'

"Ah, you can't help it," Thistelpaw joked. "I'm just too adorable!"

Snowpaw playfully nudged him, sticking her tongue out at him. "You wish! You know I hate you sometimes, right?"

"Love you too," Thistlepaw mocked back. After a moment, he realized he just said the exact words that the Trio told him _not_ to. Snowpaw didn't seem to notice the horrified look bathe her friend's eyes.

"You wish!" she joked. "Now c'mon, let's go share this shrew in camp."

Thistlepaw nodded but didn't say anything else. All he did was stare up at StarClan and pray that they didn't disease Snowpaw with the Feelings.

**[3]**

The only thing Thistlepaw could do was stare at the ground and try to drown out of sound of his mother's cries. In front of him lay a small, tortoiseshell and white apprentice – Sweetpaw. Her green eyes were glazed over with death and the scent of lavender wafted from her fur.

Her eyes didn't hold the bounce and glimmer hat they used to. Her mouth didn't release a familiar, high-pitched giggle, and her fur wasn't as glossy as it should have been. This wasn't the Sweetpaw her knew. This was what was left of her.

Thistlepaw's eyes scanned the camp, looking from face to face. Rosepaw was sobbing into Poppydawn's fur, Windflight lay close by, slumped on the ground with his head in his paws and Adderfang standing nearby, unsure of what to say. Goosfeather was staring at Sweetpaw's body with that same stupid, vacant look in his eyes. And then there was Bluefur…

Her eyes held mild sadness but she looked more distraught over the loss of a potential warrior than a friend – or at least that's how Thistlepaw interpreted her emotion.

'_Bluefur_…' the tom thought bitterly. '_She ate the same food as Rosepaw and Sweetpaw but she didn't suffer anything more than a tummy ache. She deserves to be buried in the ground, not Sweetpaw! This is all her fault.'_

His amber eyes darkened and his tail lashed behind him just as Bluefur looked up. Their eyes met and the young warrior looked slightly shocked, her eyes widening slightly. Thistlepaw snorted, looking away with his jaw clenched tightly together.

'_Sweetpaw didn't deserve this. Bluefur did. Bluefur_ does.'

'_Maybe you do_,' a tiny voice in the back of his head, spoke. Thistlepaw visibly cringed, squeezing his eyes shut at the sound. It sounded exactly like Sweetpaw. '_Bluefur didn't kill me, Thistlepaw. You did_.'

'_It was an accident! It wasn't my fault!_' he internally screamed. The young tom wanted to scream the words out so badly but he bit his tongue. Nobody could ever know.

A few days ago, Thistlepaw was out hunting with Adderfang and Stormtail. The forest was filled to the brim with prey, yet no matter how many times he got down in his hunter's crouch, Thistlepaw couldn't catch anything.

Miss after miss, Thistlepaw felt himself getting slowly more frustrated. Adderfang already caught a mouse and a robin and Stormtail caught a pheasant. The cat who fathered someone like _Bluefur_ had managed to catch a _pheasant_.

"I think I scent a mouse," Thistlepaw had said after tasting the air. "I'll be right back."

Without waiting for his mentors to say anything, the young tom darted off into the bushes. He followed the scent trail to a large tree with thick roots. There, at the base of the tree, was a mouse. It was fat and would make a decent sized meal for anyone.

For the millionth time that trip, Thistlepaw got into a hunter's crouch. He was never a strong hunter – he must have used all his luck in hunting up when he was a kit – and always excelled in fighting. '_Just think of it like you're fighting the mouse_,' he had thought to himself.

So the tom crept up, his eyes never leaving the mouse. Looking back on it, he should have watched his footing more than the mouse because after three steps, there was a loud snapping and the mouse's head shot up. Thistlepaw had stepped on a twig.

Thistlepaw lunged in a last ditch effort to catch the prey but it was too quick. It darted out of his reach just before his claws sunk into its flesh. That was one more animal that he had failed to catch.

The gray tom let out a frustrated snarl, raking his trees down the side of the tree. "For StarClan's sake, why can't I catch anything?" he asked himself aloud.

The tom was about to stomp back to his mentor when something under the bushes caught his eye. The tom glanced around quickly to see if Adderfang and Stormtail were there before he padded over to investigate.

It was a fat mouse, different than the one he had just seen, lying dead on its back. Thistlepaw prodded it once with his paw to check to see if it really was dead; it was. Shrugging, Thistlepaw picked the mouse up in his jaws and padded back to where he last saw Adderfang and Stormtail.

They were patiently waiting when he exited from the bushes with a fat mouse in his jaws. Adderfang smiled proudly and Stormtail nodded in respect. "Nice catch," he mewed simply.

"Thanks," Thistlepaw has mewed out through a mouthful of mouse. Something about the mouse seemed a little… off. But then again, he wasn't about to complain; prey was prey.

"Looks like your unlucky streak is over. Now let's get back to hunting," Adderfang mewed and the patrol continued on, not thinking twice about Thistlepaw's catch. Until three days later when Sweetpaw lay dead in the centre of camp.

Snowfur's voice snapped Thistlepaw back to the horrible reality lying at his feet. "Hey," she mewed as she sat down next to the younger tom, her white pelt brushing his gray one. "You okay?"

There was a long moment of silence as she waited for Thistlepaw to answer. He didn't say anything, only shook his head ever so slightly that Snowfur barely even saw it. But she did.

"I can't imagine what you're going through," Snowfur breathed, pressing her pelt further into his and burying her face in his soft fur. He turned his head, resting his chin on the top of her head and closing his eyes.

If you looked at the two, you would think Thistlepaw was the one comforting the she-cat but really, the tom was absorbing all the comfort he could from Snowfur. Finally, after a long moment, Snowfur pulled away.

Her blue eyes met pain filled amber. "I'm not going to pretend that I understand because I don't," she mewed. "I was young when Moonflower died and the only sibling I have is Bluefur. I know I can't tell you that everything will be okay but I can tell you that I'm here for you and you're not alone."

She went on, "I know it must seem like the entire world is crashing down around you right now but I just want you to know that I'll always be here to help you sort through the rubble. You're my family and as family, I promise that whenever you feel like you're being crushed under the pain, I'll help you carry it."

There was a heartbeat where Thistlepaw could only stare into her sky blue eyes. But that moment quickly ended and the next second, he had his face buried in her snowy fur, inhaling the scent of leaves and sap.

Snowfur nuzzled into him, only whispering these two words the entire time they held each other: "I promise."

Thistlepaw was still by all means devastated, but in that moment, something happened. He was feeling cold since he got the new about his sister's death but in that moment, he felt a spark of warmth in his heart.

It would still take him a long time to get over Sweetpaw – her death would always have lasting effects on him – but for that split second, he felt like everything would be okay. He felt _loved_.

"Thank you," Thistlepaw croaked. It was the first words he said to Snowfur and probably one of the first times he had uttered those two foreign words. "I really needed that," he admitted.

It was one of the few moments where the tom had opened up. Snowfur had seen this side of him – vulnerable – very few times before and she had to admit, it was flattering that she was the one he would show it to.

"I love you," he breathed. At the time, Thistlepaw didn't know whether he meant it as family, or if he meant it as so much more. Either way, Snowfur didn't say anything and just ran her tongue gently over his ears.

After a few more heartbeats, Thistlepaw pulled awkwardly away, coughing slightly as he did. Even though the devastation was still clear in his eyes, he was still trying to keep his 'bad boy' persona. The one where he pretended like he didn't care, but really, he did.

"Everything I said was true," Snowfur mewed with a slight purr. "You are my family and you're stuck with me no matter what."

"I know," he mewed, smiling at her warmly. The she-cat grinned when she saw his smile but didn't say anything more.

In a few days, Thistlepaw would back to his normal, cocky, ambitious self. He'd be back to his duties as apprentice and Snowfur would be back to hers as a warrior. But something had changed between the two on that day.

That was the day they started falling in love.

**[4]**

Thistleclaw liked Snowfur, that much he was sure of. He liked her bright eyes, and shiny fur. He liked her laugh, her smile, her voice… Thistleclaw just like Snowfur in general. He had a hard time telling her that but the truth was that he liked her a lot, maybe even loved her.

But Thistleclaw was never good with words and he just decided to bite his tongue until he was _sure_ she felt the same. He didn't want to be the cat who was picking up signals that weren't there and ended up ruining his friendship because of it.

He heard of a ShadowClan cat doing something like that and Thistleclaw was glad that he had more brains than that cat.

"It's so pretty out tonight," Snowfur purred, pressing her pelt to Thistleclaw. He was caught off guard for a second but quickly nuzzled closer to her. He _really_ liked her.

The stars were twinkling in the sky and the crescent moon was casting a pale white glow on the ground. It was chilly, yes, but Thistleclaw didn't mind.

They were out on a romantic walk, late at night, to try and find some privacy. Back at camp, they kept on getting interrupted and they both had enough. Thistleclaw finally snapped, asking, "Isn't there somewhere we can be alone?" to which Snowfur answered with, "**There's always somewhere**."

So now they were out in the forest, enjoying their privacy and Silverpelt that sparkled above. And Thistleclaw was of course enjoying the stunning she-cat who somehow liked him.

'_Great StarClan, when did I turn into such a sap_?' Thistleclaw thought to himself. The pretty white she-cat by his side provided the answer.

"Do you think we should head back?" Snowfur wondered aloud. "Bluefur might be worried about me."

"_Bluefur_ can wait." He fought the urge to spit her name like venom. Bluefur was a coward who hated Thistleclaw for no reason. He always caught her looking at him with uneasy eyes like he would be the one to betray ThunderClan and kill everyone in it.

In reality, Thistleclaw thought she would be the traitor, if any of them.

Everyone had seen her getting cozy at a Gathering with Crookedjaw, back when they were both apprentices. Thistleclaw only had his eyes for one she-cat and she happened to be a loyal member of his own Clan.

She also happened to be related to the pathetic blue-furred, blue-eyed mousebrain named Bluefur…. But Thistleclaw would overlook that small fact.

Deep down, Thistleclaw knew that the only reason he was bitter at Bluefur was because he had a crush on her when they were kits and apprentices, but he was too shy to admit it. Thankfully, he found someone significantly better.

"Thistleclaw?"

"Hm?" Thistleclaw snapped back to reality at the sound of Snowfur's voice. "Sorry, I kind of zoned out there for a second. What'd you say?"

"I think I scent something… or someone," she breathed. Snowfur opened her mouth, inhaling deeply. "There's definitely someone here."

Even Thistleclaw could smell it now. It wasn't a ThunderClan scent – it wasn't a Clan cat at all – but whoever it was, they were close. Thistleclaw instinctively unsheathed his claws, twitching his ears to try and locate whoever it was. From behind him, he heard a snap.

The tom whirled around, lunging before even bothering to see who it is. The rogue was scrawny, his ribs showing through his patchy fur and his skin hanging off him like he was a skeleton. "Stop!" the rogue screeched, clawing desperately at Thistleclaw.

All Thistleclaw saw was red; he had been like this a few times during battle or when battle training got intense, but this was different. In all those times, he had being fighting against fierce competition and he had gotten angry. Thistleclaw was tearing this rogue apart for no reason and Snowfur saw that.

"Thistleclaw stop!" Snowfur screeched, throwing her body at Thistleclaw and knocking him away. Thistleclaw leapt to his feet, ready to pounce the tom but when he saw the scene in front of him, he froze.

The tom was ripped completely to shreds, littered with gruesome wounds that only a psychopath could produce. Blood was pouring from his mouth and you could barely tell that the tom was once white. "Great StarClan," Thistleclaw breathed, backing away from the body.

The tom coughed up a mouthful of blood, spraying droplets on Thistleclaw's face. Snowfur was huddled against the base of a tree, staring up at Thistleclaw in a mixture of horror and fear. "What have you done?"

Thistleclaw turned, startled. "I, no- I didn't mean to! You have to believe that it was an accident!" he pleaded.

"You killed him!" she screeched and Thistleclaw flinched.

"He's not dead!" he argued, turning back to the tom. The loner wasn't coughing up blood anymore, it was just building in his open mouth. His eyelids were fluttering and his chest was twitching every few seconds.

Until it stopped.

The tom was dead.

Thistleclaw let out a low breath as they stared at the tom, waiting for him to move. This had been Thistleclaw's first kill, and it had been of an innocent loner. Thistleclaw turned back to the white she-cat, looking at her with pleading eyes. "What do we do with him?"

"What do you mean, 'what do we do with him?'" she hissed. "We have to tell someone what you did!"

Thistleclaw lunged forward, not to attack but to try and nuzzle her. "No, Snowfur! It was an accident; they'll… they'll banish me!"

"They won't," Snowfur mewed but even she looked doubtful.

"Snowfur," Thistleclaw said evenly, staring her directly in her sky eyes. He didn't say anything more – he didn't need to – he just stared at her until the she-cat had to look away.

"Fine," she breathed uneasily. "I won't tell anyone but if anything happens like this again, I'm not lying again. This is the one and only time."

Thistleclaw nearly screamed in joy, rubbing his head up against her cheek. She didn't move away but she didn't exactly look ecstatic about him touching her either. When he pulled away, she wouldn't meet his eye. "C'mon."

Thistleclaw stared at her for a second as he lifted the loner by his scruff. He wasn't very heavy so she had no problem lifting him but she would still need help. Thistleclaw looked blankly at her so she released the tom so she could speak. "We can't leave a dead body in the middle of the forest, Thistleclaw."

"Oh," was all he said. He hadn't really thought of that. He strode forward, helping Snowfur lift the body and drag it towards RiverClan.

They didn't even need to speak to know where they would hide the body; the river. The body would sink to the bottom or at least be carried away and neither of them would have to think about it for the rest of their lives.

Though Thistleclaw was sure they both would.

It took a long time before they made it to the RiverClan border, having to stop once because of a few apprentices walking by. Snowfur and Thistleclaw shared a look at that, remembering all the times they snuck out as apprentices to see the forest. They probably would have even purred if not for the dead body between their jaws.

Once the coast was clear, Thistleclaw and Snowfur dropped the body, watching as it fell over the edge and into the water. A burst of red rose to the surface but after the current washed it away, there was no trace that any crime had even been committed.

They waited there in silence for a long time, just watching the water and expecting; expecting another burst of red, expecting the body to float to the top and catch on the rocks, expecting for the tom Thistleclaw just _murdered_ to break through the surface, coughing and pulling himself to shore.

If that last option had happened, there was no doubt in Thistleclaw`s mind that he would have slain the tom again to keep him quiet.

In all honestly, now that the shock factor was starting to wear off, Thistleclaw wasn`t so horrified with the thought of murder. Once they died, they would just go up to StarClan anyway so it wasn`t like he was _really_ ending their existence. Just their physical body.

But what Thistleclaw was horrified with was the fact that Snowfur had to see him like this. He truly loved her – and tonight made that official – but now she had seen a darker side of him that he hoped she could forget.

"Snowfur?" Thistleclaw started quietly. The she-cat's eyes were trained on the water and they didn't even flicker when he said her name. "I'm sorry." '_That you had to see that_.'

"You didn't even hesitate," she breathed. "You didn't even…" Her voice broke and she had to stop.

"Snowfur look at me," Thistleclaw ordered gently. He nudged the she-cat until her eyes met his. "I don't know what came over me. You of all cats should know that I'm not like that… I'm not a killer. I thought he was trying to hurt you and I had to protect you… I just took it too far."

He could see something in her eyes starting to soften but she still didn't move. "Snowfur, I love you. I couldn't let that tom hurt you. I _had_ to do it."

Thistleclaw didn't know whether he was trying to convince himself or her anymore.

"You love me?" Snowfur repeated in a small voice. Thistlelcaw's eyes focused on hers again to see a shred of hope in her eyes… maybe she had already started to forgive him.

"With all my heart," Thistleclaw breathed. "I love you more than anything, you know that."

There was a long pause as Snowfur tried to form words. She looked slightly puzzled, almost as if this was a dream, and also a little hesitant. For good reason too; if the roles had been reversed, Thistleclaw would probably be a little iffy about her too.

Finally, she said, "Okay."

Thistleclaw blinked his eyes. "Okay?"

"Okay," she repeated.

Another short pause. "And that means…"

"It means that I forgive you. This will be our secret, as long as you never do something like this again. If you ever… hurt anyone again, we're through," she explains."

'_We're through_,' repeated in Thistleclaw's mind. They couldn't be 'through' if they never started in the first place so that must mean…"Wait so does that mean we're mates?"

Snowfur shot him a '_you're a mousebrain_' look, even though she was clearly still shaken up about the whole ordeal. "I would hope so, even though you _still_ haven't asked me."

"Will you be my mate?" Thistleclaw asked immediately, temporarily forgetting that he had just _murdered_ someone. Looking back on that moment, it sent a shiver down Thistleclaw's spine.

"Yes," Snowfur answered instantly. Her voice was quiet though and Thistleclaw knew that while she wanted to be his mate, she was having a hard time getting over what Thistleclaw was capable of.

"Hey," Thistleclaw started softly. "I love you, you know that. I'm never going to hurt you, or let anyone else hurt you. I promise."

"Promise?" Snowfur repeated.

"Promise."

**[5]**

Thistleclaw didn't know why but deep in his gut, he felt like something was wrong. He didn't know what it was, but if his past experiences had taught him anything, it was that he needed to listen to his instincts. The last time he had a feeling like this, Snowfur had given birth. The time before that, he had woken up to Sweetpaw being dead.

He was out on patrol with Fuzzypelt and Rosetail when he was suddenly hit with the feeling. It was actually so sudden that the tom keeled over, dry heaving in the grass.

"Whoa, Thistleclaw!" Fuzzypelt exclaimed. "Are you okay?"

"What happened?" Rosetail cried, coming to her brother's side. "You were fine a moment ago."

Thistleclaw collapsed on the ground, gasping for breath. "Something's wrong."

"No kidding," Rosetail deadpanned. "Tell us what happened."

"I… I don't know. But we need to go back," Thistleclaw breathed urgently. "We need to go back to camp right now."

"Why? Thistleclaw, talk to us," Rosetail pleaded. Thistleclaw had always been her tough, aggressive brother who refused to be beaten. But here he was, collapsed on the ground, barely able to breathe and speaking gibberish. It had all happened so suddenly that the she-cat didn't have a clue of what was going on.

"Something's wrong. I can feel it in my gut," he exclaimed.

"Like a sickness?" Fuzzypelt asked.

"No!" Thistleclaw hissed. "Something happened back at camp, I know it. I just know it."

"Like what?" Rosetail asked. Maybe he heard someone screaming or could smell blood or something? This wasn't the first time something like this had happened. When Sweetpaw died, Thistleclaw - then only Thistlepaw - had stopped suddenly, his eyes widening in fright, and claimed that something was wrong. The next thing they knew, their mother was explaining how their sister died.

"Something terrible," Thistleclaw murmured. "Someone's hurt."

"We need to go now," Fuzzypelt mewed immediately. "Bury whatever prey you're carrying and then we get back to camp."

Nobody said a word as the dropped their mice into shallow holes and sprinted back to camp. The way back wasn't a long one but to Thistleclaw, who had the feeling of maggots crawling in his gut, it seemed like moons of running. They reached camp, breaking into the clearing with wide eyes and terrified faces.

"What's going on?" Sunstar asked as he padded out of his den, noticing the alarmed expression on the three cats faces.

"We were about to ask you the same thing," Fuzzypelt replied, glancing at Thistleclaw. The tom was looking around, his face contorting in confusion but his worry growing until it made him physically ill. He _never_ got like this and that was only adding to his anxiety.

"Will someone please explain to me what's going on?" Sunstar demanded. He didn't sound angry, just slightly anxious.

"Thistleclaw suddenly collapsed in the forest and kept saying that we had to get back to camp. Did anything happen while we were away?" Rosetail asked.

"Yes!" The four whirled around to see Frostkit stomping up to them, something in her mouth. When she was close enough, she dropped the beetle she was holding in his jaws. "I caught my first prey!"

Fuzzypelt, Rosetail, and Sunstar simultaneously turned to look at Thistleclaw with unimpressed looks on their faces. "Really? You had a meltdown in the forest because a kit caught a beetle?"

"No," Thistleclaw answered firmly. "There's something else."

"What is it?" Sunstar asked. He was calm, but he held a flicker of impatience in his eyes.

Suddenly it dawned on him. Whirling around, Thistleclaw's eyes jumped from cat to cat, searching for familiar white fur and blue eyes. He turned back to Frostkit. "Where's Snowfur?"

"She went out with Bluefur a while ago, why do you ask?" Sunstar replied, looking slightly worried. "Do you think-"

The ThunderClan leader was cut off when a patrol entered the camp, their heads down and pain held in their eyes. The patrol was made up of Adderfang, Dappletail, Thrushpelt, White-Eye, Bluefur, and…

"Snowfur?" Thistleclaw breathed, seeing the limp white pelt of his mate. Thistleclaw took a step forward, his heart shattering as his paw touched the ground.

Adderfang turned to him, his sorry eyes meeting Thistleclaw's. The next words Adderfang mewed was only confirmation to what Thistleclaw already knew. "She was attacked by a Monster. I'm so sorry, Thistleclaw."

"Sorry," Thistleclaw repeated. The wave of sadness that covered him suddenly erupted into anger. "You're not the one who should be sorry."

His eyes shifted to a familiar blue-gray pelt, who was cowering in the branches, watching as Whitekit sobbed in his mother's fur. _'She went out with Bluefur a while ago_,' Sunstar's voice echoed in Thistleclaw's head. '_Bluefur_.'

"You," he snarled, storming towards the she-cat. Rosetail tried to block his way but he shouldered her out of the way. "How could you let this happen?" he screamed. "What were you doing, taking her to the Thunderpath? She should have been in the nursery with Whitekit!"

"I-I'm sorry," Bluefur stuttered. Her eyes filled with utter sadness but it wasn't comparable to a sliver of what Thistleclaw was feeling. _Bluefur_ didn't lose her mate. She didn't lose the one cat who kept her grounded.

Thistleclaw went on, "How could you even think of letting her put herself in danger when she had a kit to look after?"

He could see the acceptance start to sink into Bluefur. She was the reason that Snowfur was dead. It was completely her fault.

Stormtail appeared behind Thistleclaw, a stern look on his face. "Leave! This isn't helping any cat."

Thistleclaw opened his mouth to say more but held it back. He had nothing left to say to the despicable creature that called itself Bluefur. As he stormed away from the two, he could only think one thing: '_Bluefur is dead to me_.'

When the thought hit him, he was hit with another wave of anger and sadness. Bluefur had always been responsible for any source of pain in his life. She had shared the same prey that killed Sweetpaw. She had done everything in her power to keep Thistleclaw and Snowfur apart. She had killed Snowfur.

_She_ was responsible for everything.

And Thistleclaw wouldn't rest until she was rotting in the ground.

But for now, all he could do was be consumed by grief. Grief for the she-cat lying motionless on the ground. Whitekit was still sobbing uncontrollably and his Clanmates stood around Snowfur's body with despair clear on their faces.

Thistleclaw padded forward, at first avoiding Snowfur's half open eyes but slowly meeting them. Once full of life, they now stared listlessly ahead. Thistleclaw choked back a cry as he settled down next to his son.

"Why'd she have to go, Thistleclaw?" Whitekit whimpered, burying his face in Thistleclaw's chest.

"It wasn't her choice," Thistleclaw growled. "She was taken from us."

"By who?" Whitekit asked. Thistleclaw glared at Bluefur who was talking with her father. He didn't answer the question but Whitekit didn't ask twice. "I don't want her to leave us."

"I don't either, Whitekit," Thistleclaw mewed, gently nuzzling his son. "But we don't always get what we want."

That only seemed to make Whitekit cry harder, so Thistleclaw wrapped his tail around the kit, hugging him close to his body. "I know… I know it hurts but I promise that it's going to get easier. One day, you'll see Snowfur in StarClan again, but for now, I'm all you've got."

Whitekit sniffled but didn't say anything.

"I'm not going anywhere. I promise that I'll love you for the both of us," Thistleclaw mewed. Whitekit looked up at his father with cloudy, blue eyes.

"Really?" Thistleclaw could only nod.

"Whitekit?" They both turned to Robinwing, who was watching with sad eyes. "Come over here, I need to have a few words with you."

Robinwing lead Whitekit away, leaving Thistleclaw alone with Snowfur's body. Just looking at her sent a rush of despair and anger coursing through his body.

"Snowfur," he started quietly. He knew she couldn't hear him but he felt like he needed to say this. "Look, I know I haven't always been the best mate; I drove you absolutely insane, I was probably ruder than I could have been, and I didn't help out with Whitekit as much as I should but… but you know I've always loved you."

He went on, "You are… were… the only thing keeping me grounded. Without you, I know I'm going to go insane and do horrible things. I just need you to come back to me… to show me that you're still here and that you love me just as much as I love you."

Silence.

Snowfur's eyes didn't open. Her chest didn't rise and fall. Her tail didn't twitch. She was gone.

But even so, Thistleclaw still felt something, like someone was pressing their face into his fur, and nuzzling him, just like Snowfur used to. He actually had to turn his head to make sure that no one was lying beside him.

The tom let out a deep, slow breath. It still hurt – Great StarClan, did he hurt – but just that single feeling, made him feel slightly better. Just enough that he would be able to pull himself off the ground, sleep with Whitekit for the night, and work twice as hard as a warrior.

Within days, the rest of his pain had morphed into pure fury and hatred, all directed towards one cat: Bluefur.

**[+1]**

Thistleclaw kept his head down as he padded through the forest with Rosetail, Adderfang, and Tigerclaw. It had been many seasons since Snowfur's death and while the thought of losing her didn't cause him pain anymore, her death still left him changed.

He had been ambitious, aggressive, and selfish before, but it was like her death sent all of his bad traits into extreme and his good ones died down. His ambition turned bloodthirsty, his aggression turned into a dangerous violence, and his selfishness made him disregard everyone else.

Thistleclaw could see these changes taking place, but he just didn't care.

He wanted to be all those horrible things. Because to him, it was just great assets he could use to seek his revenge on Bluefur… Blue_star_ now. Pathetic.

Great StarClan, how he despised her. Just looking into her blue eyes made his blood boil and he had to fight the urge to slash his claws over her throat. _'Not yet,_' he would remind himself. '_Your time will come, just be patient._'

One day, he would have his revenge. He would rip the pathetic she-cat in half, sink his teeth into her until they went through the other side. He would strike her until his fur was matted with blood and not even the rain could wash it out.

He just had to be patient.

"I smell RiverClan," Adderfang announced, dropping into a crouch. The rest of the patrol followed suit, and together, they crept forward. As they peered over the bushes, lo and behold, RiverClan was laying on Sunning Rocks. _Their_ Sunning Rocks.

Thistleclaw didn't recognize any of the warriors – they were all younger than him and after he became a warrior, he stopped bothering to learn everyone's name. There were about six RiverClan, compared to their four ThunderClan, but that didn't stop Thistleclaw.

Rosetail was whispering something about getting back-up, when Thistleclaw lunged out of the bushes, screaming, "Attack!" There wasn't much his Clanmates could do but follow after him.

Thistleclaw bowled over a dark brown tom, sinking his teeth in the tom's scruff and clamping his jaws as hard as he could, while simultaneously raking unsheathed claws down the fish-brain's back. "Get off our territory, fish-breath!"

The tom writhed under Thistleclaw's hold, trying to shake the ThunderClan warrior off. His struggle didn't last long though as he was sent flying when another warrior slammed him with her shoulder. The she-cat hissed, her and her friend leaping on Thistleclaw together.

Thistleclaw was a strong warrior, everyone knew that. He was a skilled fighter, could hold his own in defense, and he refused to back down from a fight. But when two warriors were ganging up on him, both strong and _very_ angry, he was finding it harder and harder to win.

'_I have to take one out to be able to beat the other_,' he thought. The horror of the words didn't truly register in his head as he leaped on the tom, not hesitating before sinking his teeth deep in his foe's throat.

The RiverClan she-cat screamed as she tried hitting Thistleclaw away, but this time he would not budge. He could feel the life draining from the RiverClan tom, and his attempts to get free grew weaker and weaker. Finally, he pulled away, the last light dying in the tom's eyes.

Thistleclaw looked up, blood dripping from his mouth as everyone stared at him in horror. The only cat who didn't look utterly disgusted was Tigerclaw, but then again, his former apprentice had also seen him kill before.

"You killed him!" the she-cat screeched, her eyes filling up with a mixture of agony and anger. "You killed him!"

Thistleclaw only responded by licking his lips to try and get the blood off. What he didn't expect – and probably should have – was for the she-cat to let out a final battle cry and launch herself at Thistleclaw.

The ThunderClan warrior was knocked backwards as the she-cat ripped into his belly. He hissed at her, using his back legs to kick her off. But the she-cat didn't stay off for long, like a flea, she lunged at Thistleclaw again in a flurry of kicks, scratches, and bites.

Thistleclaw expected it to be a longer fight, and he expected _him_ to win. He thought that the she-cat would lose energy and Thistleclaw would then switch from defense to offense, and win the fight. But that was not the case.

He was too focused on trying to kick her off that he didn't notice her unsheathed claws coming closer to his throat until they were dug into him. He scrambled, momentarily forgetting all his training as he kicked and batted to get the she-cat off of him.

Thistleclaw just needed her _off_. If she got off then maybe he would survive the wound to his throat, and maybe the world wouldn't have gone dark around him.

His movements slowed down just as Adderfang ripped the she-cat off him and Tigerclaw pinned her to the ground. Rosetail raced to his side, trying to stifle her wails. "Oh StarClan, please don't leave! I've already lost Sweetpaw, I can't lose you as well."

"You're going to be okay," Adderfang comforted, his voice firm and confident. "Just take deep breaths."

Thistleclaw collapsed to his side, coughing up a lungful of blood. He tried to take in deep breaths like her former mentor told him to, but that only accomplished him breaking into a coughing fit. "Thistleclaw, hang in there," Adderfang pleaded. "You're tough, this is nothing you can't handle."

"I'll go get help," Tigerclaw decided but Adderfang slowly shook his head. "What are you talking about? I'm not just going to let him die!"

"He's lost a lot of blood, Tigerclaw," Rosetail whispered, her voice hoarse. "Just be here for him while he crosses over."

Tigerclaw looked like he was going to argue but when Thistleclaw coughed up more blood, the young warrior came to sit by the gray tom. Mentor, apprentice, and sister, sat around Thistleclaw as the life left his body, trying to make him as comfortable as possible.

Thistleclaw was having a hard time focusing on Adderfang as his sight kept fading to black every few heartbeats. "Thistle… look… me…. You're…. StarClan…." Adderfang mewed but his voice sounded like he was far away.

His death was slow and painful, not as quick as the RiverClan death moments before. Thistleclaw was too weak to be helped but too strong to die instantly, so he just lay there, coughing up blood and waiting for the end to happen.

It wasn't some extravagant moment where he said his final words and then the world went dark around him as he breathed his last breath. In reality, the world around him just continued to blur and fade, until it faded into a completely different scene.

A forest clearing, with tall, stunning trees, the sun sending rays of warmth on his back, and grass so soft that it felt like he was standing on clouds. Three cats stood in front of him. Sunstar, Windflight, and…

"Snowfur," he breathed, staring at the stunning she-cat.

The sky was dim in comparison to her eyes, and her fur sparkled like even the most beautiful snowfall. She was slender, fit, and healthy, without as much as a scratch on her.

"Thistleclaw!" Snowfur burst, running forward and pressing her face into his fur. "I've missed you, my darling."

Thistleclaw wanted to say how much he loved her and how he missed her, but he physically couldn't. It was like someone had taken all the air from his lungs and all her could do was hold her close and pray that she would never leave him again.

"Thistleclaw," Sunstar interrupted. Thistleclaw looked up, tearing his gaze away from Snowfur. "We need to talk."

"Can't it wait?" Thistleclaw asked, holding back a hiss. "We're all stuck up here anyway, you have plenty of time to talk to me."

Snowfur stepped back, her eyes filling with an indescribable pain. "Thistleclaw… actually he doesn't."

"What do you mean?" Thistleclaw asked, his eyes narrowing and hopping from one cat to the next.

"Son, you're not staying in StarClan," Windflight said, his voice stony and cold. "We talked about it and… we've decided that you're not welcome here."

"What does that mean?" Thistleclaw hissed. "Are you sending me back?"

Sunstar and Windflight shared a look before directing their eyes back at Thistlelcaw. "Follow us."

"Where?" he demanded. Snowfur nudged him, sending him a pleading look.

"Please," Snowfur whimpered. "Maybe… maybe you can still make them change their minds." Thistleclaw had to bite his tongue to ask, 'about what?' because whatever they were talking about sounded serious. Instead, he slowly followed the StarClan warriors across the clearing to a pool.

Thistleclaw glanced into the pool, but something was off about it. It was perfectly clear, not even showing as much as his reflection in it. No matter how much he strained his eyes, he couldn't see the bottom of it.

"This is the Seeing Pool," Sunstar explained. "From here, we can look into the past, the present, and even catch glimpses of the future. We're going to show you your past."

"Touch the water with your paw," Windflight ordered. His voice was cold and Thistleclaw was slightly taken aback by it. He and his father had never had that perfect father-son relationship, yet he still expected a little more warmth after not seeing him for so long.

Thistleclaw reached out, tapping the water with his paw. It rippled, images forming on the waves until there was a clear image of Thistleclaw, when he was a kit. It was him wrestling with his sisters, screaming about how he would be leader of the entire forest. For the first time, Windflight's face warmed.

The Seeing Pool cycled through Thistleclaw's life, starting from kithood, showing seconds of his life. Thistleclaw watched as he grew and matured, morphing from a fluffy, immature kit, to a proud, ambitious warrior.

The scenes suddenly slowed after Snowfur's death. Anyone could tell an instant change in personality for the tom. Before, while he may have been arrogant and slightly conceded, Snowfur's death turned him into angry and violent. There were often images of him cuffing Tigerpaw over the ears with unsheathed claws, or hurting him to the point where he was bleeding.

And then came the murder, the one that took place a few moons after Snowfur's death. It was a ShadowClan apprentice who had accidentally wandered over the Thunderpath.

Thistleclaw remembered the scene clearly. He was having a particularly rough morning and had taken Tigerpaw out for some battle training. Halfway through training, a small apprentice stumbled into the clearing, looking wide-eyed and terrified.

"I-I'm sorry," she stuttered. "I was r-running from a fox and accidentally ran over the Thunderpath and n-now I don't know h-how to get back."

Thistleclaw's eyes narrowed as he circled the shaking she-cat. "Is that so? Nobody knows where you are?"

"N-no," she answered nervously. "Will you pl-please show me the way b-back?"

"Hm," Thistleclaw thought carefully. "How about you train with us for a bit? Tigerpaw needs a new opponent."

"I-I'd rather just get back," she stuttered, taking a step back. "Everyone will b-be looking for me."

"Just stay a few moments," Tigerpaw purred, stepping closer to the ShadowClan apprentice. "What's your name?"

"D-Darkp-paw."

"Well, D-Darkp-paw," Thistleclaw mocked. "Why don't we have a quick skirmish? You versus Tigerpaw? After that, we'll take you back, I _promise_."

Darkpaw looked hesitant, shifting on her feet like she wanted to run. She got the sense that she would be in even more trouble if she ran from the two, so she slowly nodded, not meeting either tom's gaze.

"Fantastic," Thistleclaw growled out, shoving her towards Tigerpaw. "Begin!"

Before the tiny she-cat had a chance to even get in a battle stance, Tigerpaw lunged at her and started batting at her with unsheathed claws. It was quite sickening to watch really; it wasn't a fight, it was a _beating_. And Darkpaw didn't stand a chance.

Thistleclaw didn't stop his apprentice until Darkpaw was lying motionless in the dirt, covered in blood. He could still see the steady rise and fall of her chest, so he knew she was still alive. "Nice job, Tigerpaw. I think it's time we took her back to ShadowClan now."

Thistleclaw picked the apprentice up and started towards the ShadowClan border when Tigerpaw stepped in his way. "Wait… If we bring her back like this, ShadowClan will no doubt start a war. They're not going to just turn a blind eye to this."

Thistelcalw thought it over for a few heartbeats, soon agreeing with his apprentice. While he was itching for a fight, his son was still too young to handle a war. For Whitepaw's sake, he would have to get rid of the apprentice.

"You're right, Tigerpaw," Thistleclaw decided. He set the apprentice down, standing her on her feet. She was barely awake, swaying on her paws, and completely in a daze. "Darkpaw? Are you okay?"

"Wh-what?" she murmured, looking around. "Where am I?"

"You're in ThunderClan. We're going to take away your pain now, okay?" Thistleclaw asked gently and the she-cat sluggishly nodded. He led the apprentice over to a pile of rocks and sat her down on them. "In a few heartbeats, you won't feel a thing."

Without warning, Thistleclaw slammed his paw into Darkpaw's head, smashing it against a rock, and leaving a spatter of blood on it. He did it again, and again, until half of her head was completely caved in and there was no doubt in his mind that the she-cat was dead.

Tigerpaw stared at his mentor with wide eyes, stumbling back. When he had said not to bring the she-cat back to ShadowClan, he hadn't meant to kill her. He had meant to drop her off in Two-leg Place, or even bring her back to ThunderClan to heal until she was ready to go home… Not to kill her.

After disposing of her body in the river, Thistleclaw and Tigerpaw went back to ThunderClan and never spoke of the incident again. Tigerpaw had been shocked and for the next few days, was paranoid and borderline delirious. Thistleclaw, on the other hand, was in a noticeable better mood.

"You killed an apprentice without so much as batting an eye," Sunstar mewed as the image faded. "You mercilessly took away her life and never thought twice about it. Now let's look at a different scene."

"That was a long time ago, I've changed!" Thistleclaw argued. But nobody said anything, they just turned back to the Seeing Pool and watching as a new image formed.

This scene was much more recent. In fact, it was the border skirmish Thistleclaw _just_ fought in. In the moment, Thistleclaw hadn't thought he was doing anything wrong, but watching it over, he could see how other would view it.

He had slaughtered a RiverClan tom without a second thought, and even licked the blood off his face after. That was _not_ the act of a normal warrior… that was evil. And just watching the images play out, he took notice how his last word alive was screaming to attack.

The image faded and was replaced with the clear bottomless pool. Thistleclaw looked back at the three StarClan warriors to see them looking at him in disgust, save for Snowfur who looked to be in immense pain.

"Do you understand why we're refusing to let you into StarClan now?" Sunstar asked but Thistleclaw didn't answer the question. Instead, he asked his own.

"So that's it then. You're just going to rip my mate from me, once and for all?"

"You should have thought of that before you killed three cats," Windflight answered, refusing to meet Thistleclaw's eyes. "You may say your last goodbyes, and then we'll lead you to the Place of No Stars.

Glaring at his father, Thistleclaw turned to Snowfur, who was cuddled into his side. "I don't want to lose you again," she whispered, blinking back her pain. "I can't."

"You'll be fine, Snowfur," he soothed. "I love you, even though I may never see you again. I'm going to miss you."

"I'm going to miss you too," she cried, finally breaking down and shoving her face in his pelt. "Please don't leave me. I _need_ you."

Thistleclaw glanced back at his father and former leader. They looked patient, but he knew he didn't have long. "Look Snowfur," Thistleclaw mewed gently. "I don't want you to spend your life missing me. I need you to move on."

"What?" she rasped.

"When you died, I lost it. I became angry, and bitter, and full of revenge, and I'm not letting that happen to you. Move on, enjoy your remaining time in StarClan, and do your best to forget about me. I love you, but for your own sake, I'm letting you go."

"But _I love you_," she whimpered. "I can't move on without you."

He nuzzled her, inhaling her familiar scent that he had ached for since her death. "I love you too. Now you have to let me go."

Thistleclaw stepped away, looking into her blue eyes one last time before turning away. Without looking back, he followed Sunstar and Windflight away from Snowfur. Away from his one true love… his entire life… his everything.

Bluestar had been the one to rip Snowfur away from him the first time, and once he finally got her back, Windflight and Sunstar were doing it again. He would never again be able to see her, curl up next to her, nuzzle her… love her.

They had taken away the one thing that had made him happy. And he was never going to forget that.

_Never_.

**A/N: IT'S FINALLY DONE! I have been writing this for months and I have finally completed this insane thing I like to call a one-shot! As said at the top of the "one-shot" this is dedicated to Juliet's Shadow (Whom you should all check out, by the way) for winning a writing contest I held ages ago, back when I was writing The Challenge.**

**This is also an entry to the 'Free For All Challenge' by BlueClan. The word minimum was 500 but I may have gone a **_**tad**_** over. If you're looking for a forum, be sure to check out BlueClan **** It's like a little family. **

**I truly loved writing this – even though it took me ages – and I now have a new appreciation for the Bluestar's Prophecy cats, specifically Fuzzypelt, Adderfang, and Tawnyspots. I honest to God cannot tell you why I love them so much but they're just so much fun to write for! They're like a Trio of best friends who give terrible advice and are slightly immature **** Someone should write more for them!**

**Who knows, maybe I'll hold a one-shot challenge in the future to write for a character from Bluestar's Prophecy! (Just out of curiosity, if I did happen to make that a contest, who would participate?)**

**Also, I didn't have an author's note in the last 'chapter' explaining this but Sognatore is my one-shot booklet. I just called it something a little more creative than "Jeffrey Dahmer's One-Shot Book." Sognatore means Dreamer or something tumblr like that. Which did you like more, my Ashfur poem, 'Because Insanity Rhymes', or this, 'There's Always Somewhere?'**

**Speaking of which, I should probably explain the title. So there is a song by Halsey (CHECK HER OUT BECAUSE HALSEY IS MY AESTHETIC) called Is There Somewhere? and I feel like some of the lyrics really resonate with Thistleclaw. You can find them at the top of the page but I don't know, I don't picture Thistleclaw as the type of tom to want to fall in love or to let a she-cat complete him. It just kind of happened.**

**Oh! And I know it was never stated in the books that Thistleclaw killed anyone but I refuse to believe that he ended up in the DF because he was a bit ambitious. There **_**needs**_** to be a reason, and this is what I choose to believe. So while I also showed the relationship between Snowfur and Thisleclaw, you always get to see how he became who he is, and why he has such a vendetta against StarClan.**

**To end my ridiculously long author's note, I just want to say that I love you all and I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you all have a new appreciation for Thistleclaw now that you've seen a side of him that the Erin's don't show you. **


	3. Evidence of Things Unseen

**Evidence of Things Unseen**

When Nightpaw, Spiderpaw, and Crowpaw were born, ThunderClan was in awe of how similar they all were. Three identical black kits with bright golden eyes –and when Crowpaw uses the word identical, he means it. They were constantly playing games on their Clanmates, pretending to be one another, and then getting angry if someone mixed up a name. The three littermates had the exact same shade of golden irises. There wasn't anything that could tell them apart.

Since then, Nightpaw had to stop playing their games because she was always ruining it for her brothers – she was a she-cat and her Clanmates had no problem in telling her from her brothers. She always complained how it wasn't fair that she was the one to be different, and that she would give anything to be able to play games with her Crowpaw and Spiderpaw again.

But that was something Crowpaw never understood; while Nightpaw would give up her life to be identical, Crowpaw would give up his life to be _different_.

Yes, the games and the trickery were fun at first, and it made the three sibling extremely close, but one day, all of that fell away. They were still kits at the time, and back when most cats didn't know whether the female was named Nightkit, Crowkit, or Spiderkit.

The three were up to no good, as usual, and decided to play a trick on two senior warriors, Spade and Leafclaw. It was the same trick they pulled a million times; they would each pretend to be each other and annoy the warriors until they started yelling.

Looking back on it, Crowpaw thought the whole thing was stupid and immature, but that was their game. They would break into fits of laughter whenever someone called them by the wrong name, and at the end, they would reveal who they really were and run away.

So basically, all of ThunderClan _hated_ the three black kits. Even their own mother, Cherryheart, looked annoyed from the moment she woke up, to the moment she fell asleep. Crowpaw didn't blame her – they were _awful_ kits.

Anyway, Crowkit, Spiderkit, and Nightkit padded up to Leafclaw and Spade, who were bathing in the sun. Another thing about the kits was that they were as stealthy as a ShadowClan cat, and blended in with the dark just as much. The kits snuck up, not making a sound as they grew closer and closer to their 'prey.'

All of the sudden, the three leapt at the warriors, claws unsheathed and teeth bared. Both of the older toms jumped in surprise as the kits clawed and bit them, not registering the pain yet. After a few heartbeats, Spade grabbed Nightkit by the scruff and flung her down. She hit the ground hard, letting out a pained yelp but not showing her agony more than that. She didn't want to look weak.

Leafclaw shook violently, forcing Spiderkit to fall off next, landing more gently than his sister. Together, the two kits cheered for Crowkit, who had managed to hold on the longest by digging his claws in Leafclaw's back.

"Get off me, kit," he snarled. Spade reached forward and roughly wacked Crowpaw off Leafclaw's back and onto the ground. He hit the ground hard, but like his sister, he didn't show his pain. Spiderkit was the only one of them who genuinely wasn't injured. "What is _wrong_ with you three?"

The three kits giggled, which only angered the temperamental tom even more. Spade rolled his eyes, looking annoyed, but not nearly as much as Leafclaw. But then again, they had specifically picked out Leafclaw because of his fiery temper.

"Kits, why can't you ever behave?" Spade sighed, shaking his head. He was much more laid back out of the two of them. "We're going to have to tell your mother about this."

They didn't care. Honestly, the three kits – and even now as apprentices – could care less about what Cherryheart thought of them.

"Are you going to tell her about how you hurt Spiderkit? She looks really hurt," the _real_ Spiderkit asked, sniggering. Spade shared a look with his friend and rolled his eyes.

"We're not thick, we know that's Nightkit," Spade mewed. "She's the only she-cat, it's not hard to mistake her for one of you two toms."

Nightkit's ears fell as she cocked her head, the words sinking in. She was different than her brothers? She didn't want to be. She wanted to be a tom, just like them!

"Well do you know _our_ names?" Crowkit taunted, a cruel smirk on his face as he gestured between him and Spiderkit. He had overheard the apprentices gossiping about him once; they described him as the 'mean brother' while Spiderkit was just the 'annoying one.'

Spade opened his mouth to answer but Leafclaw beat him to it. "Does it matter? The only difference between you two is your names."

Spiderkit beamed, taking the words as a compliment, Nightkit shrunk back like she had been clawed – they basically just told her she didn't belong in the same litter as her brothers. And Crowkit had a completely different reaction and probably the most powerful of them all.

He tensed up, his eyes filling with an indescribable amount of pain as he took a few steps back. His eyes fell, realizing the words Leafclaw had just said. Crowkit was nothing more than a copy of his brother, a waste of space, _ordinary_. And no kit wanted to hear that they were ordinary and wouldn't amount to anything.

Even if it hadn't been what Leafclaw meant, it was how Crowkit took it.

Spade was the only one to notice Crowkit's devastating expression, first looking confused and then realizing how the kit had felt about Leafclaw's words. "Spiderkit, he didn't mean it like that."

The real Spiderkit exploded in giggles while Crowkit flinched back. Leafclaw had been the one to make the wound and Spade had ripped it open. "I'm Crowkit," he snarled. "But then again, why should you know that? I'm nothing more than a clone, right?"

Crowkit whirled around sprinting away and leaving Spiderkit and Nightkit staring after him in shock. Leafclaw whacked Spade upside the head. "Now look what you've gone and done, mousebrain. You upset the kit."

Spade shot his friend a glare, muttering, "Imbecile" under his breath as he padded after Crowkit.

Crowpaw didn't remember much of the comforting words Spade said, and he probably should have listened better or he might not be feeling the pain he was in that very moment. Because now, Crowpaw could only think about how he was never going to be nothing more than Spiderpaw.

"Spiderpaw?" The tom glanced up to see Tanglepelt looking down at him. Crowpaw shook his head. "Ah, Crowpaw. Sorry, you three just look so much alike."

"I know, I've gotten that a lot," the apprentice mewed with a sigh. No one in the Clan, save for maybe Spade, knew how much Crowpaw hated the fact that he was identical to his siblings. Not even Nightpaw and Spiderpaw, who thought he still _loved_ the fact.

"Once you two become warriors and have a few battle scars on you, then you'll never have that problem again," Tanglepelt replied easily. "Just look at Ripplefang from RiverClan; everybody knows who he is."

That was true; Crowpaw knew of Ripplefang's ugly scars before he even went to his first gathering, and could easily pick him out of the crowd. The tom truly was littered with scars and only RiverClan knew what they were from. Everyone else was too terrified to ask.

Ripplefang had honestly grown to be an idol to Crowpaw, ever since that first gathering when Ripplefang commanded attention with his long teeth, startling scars, and confident walk. Even without the scars, he held an air of respect that rivaled a leaders. And most of all, he was like _nobody_.

But what Tanglepelt said really hit Crowpaw hard. Once he got battle scars, he would be special. Maybe he would be like Ripplefang – no, he would be better than Ripplefang. Because Crowpaw was no one's copy.

And he just had to prove that.

"Thanks Tanglepelt," Crowpaw mewed earnestly, smiling up at the elder for the first time in moons.

"No problem, Crowpaw." The apprentice stood to leave but the elder held his paw up to stop him. "Where are you off to in such a rush? We just started talking a moment ago."

"I'll talk to you later," Crowpaw replied. "I need to go do something really quick."

Tanglepelt looked uneasy but nodded anyway. The black tom turned and bolted, heading straight to the forest with one goal in mind. Watching him leave, the elder felt a knot grow in his stomach – he didn't know why but he suddenly had a bad feeling about the entire conversation.

Out in the forest, Crowpaw ran until he was at the edge of the territory, near a small pond that few cats knew about. The pond was murky and it was impossible to tell how deep it was, but it was clear enough that Crowpaw could see his reflection in it.

Looking in, Crowpaw did not see him. Sure, he saw glossy black fur, golden irises, and a black nose, but he didn't see the cat he _felt_ like he was. Crowpaw felt like a strong, broad shouldered warrior, covered in battle scars, and the ability to quiet crowds just by walking past. He was a cat that no other compared to and that no one would mistake him for someone else.

The only problem; Crowpaw didn't physically look like that.

Only training would make him strong, and there wasn't much he could do about his slender build, but the scars was something he could work with. Why should he wait for a battle to create scars when he had decent sized claws already?

Plus, that would take care of the 'quieting crowds' bit. Ripplefang silenced crowds and he had scars… so wouldn't it words for Crowpaw?

Closing his eyes, the apprentice quickly scratched himself across the nose, yelping as he did. When he opened his eyes, he could see three pink scratches in his reflection. But that wasn't enough; he needed more. He needed to be _special_.

Crowpaw leaned onto his back paws, placing the top of his unsheathed claws at the top of his head and digging in as deep as he could manage. And then slowly, he became to drag down, ripping him flesh open as he screamed.

Oh StarClan did it hurt. But he didn't stop, He didn't stop until his claws had reached his chin and blood was rapidly dripping onto the ground and into his eyes. Just before the blood completely blurred his vision, Crowpaw saw his reflection.

His face was sticky with blood and the deep claw marks on his face were enough to make his stomach flip. Crowpaw had dug too deep, and the marks looked almost like a lion tore into his face. The crimson seemed to make his golden eyes gleam even brighter and his teeth shine whiter.

His reflection was truly horrifying and enough to make a kit cry when seeing him, but that was okay. It was okay because he was finally special. No one would ever mistake him for Spiderpaw again.

Crowpaw stumbled back from the pond, the blood completely blinding his vision as he walked in the direction of camp. He tried blinking the blood out of his eyes but it was flowing too heavily to do any good and only made his eyes sting even more.

He tumbled into multiple trees, falling constantly, and after only a few minutes of walking, was already covered in thorns from walking into a bush.

"Crowpaw!" someone screamed and rushed towards him. He didn't recognize them until they were by his side and he could scent them himself.

"Nightpaw, is that you?" he asked, trying to clear his vision by blinking. "I can't see anything."

"Great StarClan, what happened?" Nightpaw cried. "Who did this to you?"

"Leafclaw, run back and alert Frosttail. Cloudfern, he needs cobwebs to soak up the blood. I saw some on a tree not too far back." Crowpaw barely recognized the voice as Gingertail, one of the senior warriors. Gingertail came to his side to help lead him to camp. "Crowpaw, who did this to you? Was it ShadowClan?"

"ShadowClan," Crowpaw laughed mockingly. "Of course not, I did this to myself."

There was an eerie silence as Nightpaw and Gingertail let the news sink in. Crowpaw didn't understand what the big deal was, but it was enough to make Nightpaw collapse. She pulled herself off the ground, shaking badly. "You… you did this to yourself?"

"Yes," Crowpaw answered, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Who else would?"

"Why?" Gingertail whispered, staring in horror at the apprentice. '_Who could purposely rip their face apart?_'

"Tanglepelt told me that once I had a few battle scars, cats would stop mistaking me for my brother. I wanted to be special," he explained. Nobody understood though. They were still too horrified.

"I have the cobwebs." Crowpaw recognized Cloudfern's voice as she spoke with a twig clamped tight between her teeth. Cobwebs were wrapped around it, which Gingertail used to try and soak up the unhealthy amount of blood, pouring from Crowpaw's face.

They reached camp and gasps erupted when Crowpaw stepped into the clearing. Cats rushed around him, all asking him what happened and who hurt him. None of them noticed them bright smile plastered to the apprentice's face.

"Make room!" Frosttail yelled as she pushed through the crowd. "Give him some space!"

As Gingertail and Frosttail led Crowpaw to the medicine cat den, one, specific elder was trembling in horror and guilt. As the three cats passed him, Tanglepelt couldn't help but whisper, "Great StarClan, you didn't?"

Crowpaw's grin only widened when he recognized Tanglepelt's scent and voice. "You were right Tanglepelt. Scars _do_ make me special."

Those were the last words Crowpaw said before he passed out from the blood loss.

**A/N: Not exactly a Christmas-y one-shot but I figured I'd try my hand at original characters for a change **** Tell me what you think! This was written for Poke for BlueClan's gift exchange. I hope you like it!**


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